Monday, 17 April 2006

  • "This life as you now live it and have lived it, you will have to live once more and innumerable times more; and there will be nothing new in it, but every pain and every joy and every thought and sigh and everything immeasurably small or great in your life must return to you-all in the same succession and sequence-even this spider and this moonlight between the trees, and even this moment and I myself. The eternal hourglass of existence is turned over and over, and you with it, a grain of dust."

     

    From the first moment I saw you, sitting in class, reading your pocket Bible, my life changed.  Something about that Bible in your hand... it gave me the impression that you were where I needed to be.  That maybe you held the light to be cast on my dark world.  I was filled with hope just looking at you.      

    You were the most beautiful person I'd ever seen and you were calling out to my weary soul.  I looked at you everyday and wondered how it'd feel to be in your arms.  I just knew that they held rest and comfort for me.      

    I fell in love with you that week, as I slowly got to know you.  It happened fast.  I knew then that you were it.  I had never been drawn to anyone like that.  And I haven't been drawn to anyone else since.   

    For years later, those months with you were both my greatest source of happiness and my greatest cause of pain.  You were mysterious and romantic.  I felt safe and comfortable when I was with you.  Every kiss and embrace was filled with more passion that I had ever felt in my life.

    The last time I saw you we were happy.  If I would've known, I would've done and said so many things differently.  I would've never let you go.             

    After you left me, I went back to my old life.  It was cold but familiar.  Day after day passed by and each was more miserable than the last.  Everyday I thought about you... cried over you.. and prayed for you to come back to me.  I wondered what I'd done wrong, what I should have done differently and what I could do to fix it.  I sank lower and lower into the hole I was about to bury myself in.  I hated everything about my life.  All the things that I had turned around when I was with you reverted, and everything lacked color.  I felt worthless and hopeless.  As I laid in the bottom of that hole, I thought of everything I'd done wrong in my life, all the mistakes I'd made, the people I had hurt and how much of my life had been a waste.  Everything I loved had left me.  Nothing was stable.  Nobody cared.  Then it all went black.

    I don't know what happened but I awoke with a new sense of life.  I wanted to start living again, minus all the pain I had allowed to eat at me day after day.  I asked God for a new start and He allowed it.  He helped me see things with a new mind.  Wonderment grabbed a hold of me and for the first time in years, I had hope.  I had almost let go of all the pain....I was trying to.  I was pouring out forgiveness towards others and hoping to get a little back in return.  I felt free. 

    You were always there though.  In the back of my mind.  I held onto you so I wouldn't forget that I had once felt real love for someone.  With no sense of obligation attached.  I felt love.  I never told you I loved you, but what was unsaid was more real and sincere than any of the spoken 'I love yous' I had ever told any other man.  I tucked that love away and moved on.  Finally.  .....at least I thought I did.                               

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